Pride, shame, and the slow work of becoming
Development takes time… a lot of it.
We live in a culture that wants everything to happen in an unrealistic timeframe — or at least at a pace that won't actually help you become who you actually want to be.
The problem is that no matter how much we want to warn the next generation of the danger of moving too swiftly, the truth is: we — those of us with at least four decades of life — did the same thing they're doing now. And the only reason we know what we know is because of experience.
Experience is life's teacher. Some of our experiences had wisdom leading the way, and some had foolishness. But in both, lessons were being taught — good or bad.
All of life's events are shaping us, and if we allow them to, over time, they will deepen us. In the end, we'll be better because of all of them.
The biggest obstacles I've discovered in both the good and the bad of life are pride and shame. I've experienced both. Each has played a significant role in my life lessons, and I have some thoughts on both.
Pride
When we excel, advance, or accomplish something, it's so easy to believe we made it happen. But in reality, all we succeed in is a grace God has allowed us to experience. So we should strive to be humble and give Him credit and glory for all the good in our lives. But we live in a culture that tends to celebrate pride — pride in our success, pride in our country, pride in our race, pride in our sexuality, pride in our physical bodies, and the list goes on. The problem with pride is that nothing good we have is of our own doing. All good things come from the hand of God.
Jesus said, "He [God] causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45, NIV)
So yes, we should work hard and set out to achieve and do our very best in everything — but for God's glory, not our own. Pride eventually pushes the presence of God out of our lives and grieves the Holy Spirit. It is killing many of us slowly — even those of us who serve the Lord vocationally. The desire to be seen and recognized is a trap the enemy uses very well.
I know that in my own life, some of the natural abilities God gave me — and some of the things I worked hard to become — actually caused the most difficulty, because of the pride I took in them and built around them. And at the same time, there has been pride that came not from gifting or ability, but from brokenness.
After unearthing some of these areas in counseling, it occurred to me that becoming a good basketball player in my younger years wasn't motivated by just a love for the game. It came from a situation in middle school that caused me great embarrassment about my family's financial situation. We didn't have much, and becoming good at basketball was a way to have control over an area of my life in front of my peers. And I got really good — better than everyone in my school. But instead of leveraging that for God's glory, I made it my own, and pride became the result of getting good at something rooted in insecurity about my family. My adolescent mind wasn't aware of all of this at the time, but nonetheless, this is what was at work — and from that pride flowed a mean spirit toward others that caused damage for years to come.
Without realizing it, a pattern had formed: insecurity was masked through effort and gifting, and the result was pride. That pattern continued for years, until God graciously walked me through several humbling moments over time. Along the way, I learned to partner with people who could speak truth and love into my life — people who helped me take the necessary steps to overcome those insecurities, so that whatever gifting or success came through effort could glorify God instead of myself.
Shame
But equally difficult is shame. When we fail, stumble, or fall into temptation, shame is another great hindrance to our growth. Shame tells us that we are a failure. But that's not who we are! It might be what has happened, but it's not who we are. And if we buy into the lie that shame tells us, we'll struggle to see ourselves as God's children. We'll also be far less likely to attempt anything that gives God glory and the chance to write a redemptive story with our lives.
God is not a God who shames us when we make mistakes. He is the God of compassion who desires to cover us, heal us, and restore us. I've had to work alongside a great counselor to unearth areas of my life that have been hindered by carrying shame. Shame isn't as obvious as we often think, especially if we've held onto it for years.
What has happened on the journey of healing is that, slowly but surely, God has been invited into those areas of my life to bring healing and new perspective. But it wasn't easy getting there. And rarely do I think we can get there alone.
The Slow Work
Pride and shame look like opposites, but they're really doing the same thing to us. Pride says, "I don't need God — look what I built." Shame says, "God doesn't want me — look what I did." Both keep us from the same place: honestly standing before Him, as we actually are, and letting Him do what only He can do.
I wish I could tell you there's a quick fix for either one. There isn't. Just like the wisdom that took decades of experience to earn, unlearning pride and unlearning shame takes time too — usually more time than we'd like, and rarely without help along the way. For me, that help came through counseling, through people willing to walk with me into places I'd rather have left alone.
But that's the whole point of this piece. Development takes time. So does healing. If you're waiting to feel finished before you believe God can use your story, you'll be waiting a long time. He's not asking you to arrive — He's asking you to stay in the process with Him. That's where the growing happens. That's where the healing happens. Slowly, but surely.
